Explicatus Hiatum

So I haven’t been here in a while. First, I was too busy, and then my heart just wasn’t in it. My heart isn’t in it now, but explanations are in order

See, I was pregnant. I got all the fun of being constantly, violently ill, not to mention blindingly exhausted for weeks on end. And then the first trimester was pretty much over. Pregnancy tests were still positive. I started feeling better. We started telling family and friends. We told GeekBaby.

And then I miscarried.

This makes five times now. It’s my own, private little martyrdom. I get to lie there writhing, in pain and bleeding, while an interior voice demands to know how I can believe in a God that would let this happen. Demands that I recant. Obscenely, it’s the face and voice of my father. And I hurt so much I can’t think straight, much less pose a convincing answer.. All I have left, expressed extremely crudely, is the knowledge that reality is objective, and therefore my pain is irrelevant to that question, so damn it, go away. And it goes when commanded, but leaves behind an awareness of my loneliness and loss that never goes.

I’ve never denied God, even in these worst moments. But I also don’t understand why. And I don’t know what becomes of my babies, and that’s the worst part of all.

It’s so hard to be really open to life, after losing so many. And it’s even harder dealing with the people who think you aren’t. And most of them are kind, charitable souls, who gently encourage and don’t harangue. But I’m still probably going to slap the next one silly.

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