The perils of blogging when you can’t sleep are great. They are orders of magnitude greater when you can’t sleep because something is bothering you.
One friend mentioned that she didn’t really understand what I was getting at in my earlier post. And while I look back at it, and know what I’m getting at, you have to get inside my head a little to understand it. Coherence is in low supply at 1am.
The root of the problem, I suppose, is I don’t like my childbirth instructor. The Husband and I are taking a Bradley Method class, taught by a very well qualified certified nurse midwife, and literally, the only one we could find in our area. There’s not a lot of interest in or support for drug-free childbirth. But really, all she does is scare me and stress me out. Not of the pain implicit in childbirth, but of the nurses, the doctors, the experience of giving birth in a hospital.
I’ve been in academics long enough to know that everyone has an axe to grind, and this is obviously hers. Rationally, I can grasp that between The Husband and myself, the nurses are not likely to shoot painkillers into my IV while I’m in the middle of a contraction because I’m scaring the rest of the patients, or have The Husband escorted out by security because he stands up for my preferences with which they happen to disagree. I trust my OB will support me in what I’m doing, and he knows that in return I won’t fight him on something he believes is really medically necessary.
But I’m still pregnant, which doesn’t always translate into rational. And so I’m scared. And I try to understand myself better, to understand why I’m being ‘difficult’ about this. It comes down, ultimately, to the fact that I do not like the feeling of being out of control. I drink (when unpregnant, please no hate mail!), but I’m rarely worse than tipsy. My emotions are continually frustrating because they occasionally get the better of me. But the moments in my life where I feel I willingly relinquished control, when I hurt that badly, stand out vividly in my memory. And I don’t want to experience that again.
Medically necessary is one thing. Just because someone else thinks I should is something else altogether.