Obsessive Compulsive

The TMI tag is up people, just FYI. 

The difference between obsession and compulsion is that an obsession is an idea that continually preoccupies your mind, and a compulsion is an irresistible urge to behave in a certain way.

I have always been compulsive about my weight, but never before have I been obsessive.

For almost ten years, I’ve meticulously weighed myself every morning.  And by meticulous, I mean scientifically meticulous.  Roughly the same time most days, as soon as I’ve gotten out of bed and emptied my bladder, but before my shower, and starkers.  And I take each measurement in triplicate, to minimize measuring error.

This might sound obsessive, but it’s not, because I hardly ever think about it.  It’s just something I do, one of the several bits of health data that I routinely observe and catalog without thinking about, as habitual as checking and charting cervical mucus.

I consequently don’t pay a lot of attention to the scale at my OB appointments.  First of all, I’m wearing clothes, and the nurses tease me enough already because I’m anal about taking off my shoes.  Second, I don’t always eat lunch at the same time before my appointment.  And third, I always know how much I weighed that morning, and how that morning compared to the preceding mornings.

But pregnancy has made me obsessive about my weight.  In extremely irrational ways.  Because I’m not sure I’m gaining enough weight.  A pregnant woman just can’t win.  You either fret you’re gaining too much weight, or you fret that you’re not gaining enough.

I lost over five pounds the first trimester.  I actually had to move to maternity clothes before I had gained much on my prepregnancy weight.  And while I know it’s a good sign that I was at a healthy weight before I got pregnant, I can’t help but feel vaguely irritated that I can’t ever just be like other women.

Always the difficult one, me.

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