So I’m 22 weeks now. Well into my second trimester. In the 6th month of pregnancy. The honeymoon phase, the point in time when you’re supposed to be glowing, full of energy and enthusiastic (but not yet apprehensive) about the baby’s arrival. I’m just starting to show. I’ve only been in maternity pants for 2 weeks, I can still wear most of my shirts. I’ve only gained a little under 10 pounds. The Podling is kicking more and more each day.
So why is it so hard to tell people that I’m pregnant? It just seems like the most horrifically embarrassing thing to have to tell people. Maybe I should just walk around with a sign that says “Estoy embarazado”, it communicates both fact and sentiment admirably.
I felt like this during my first pregnancy, vaguely embarrassed to admit to good news. But it’s worse after having two miscarriages. Lots of people knew about the first, not so many the second. Then again I didn’t have to have surgery for the second.
It feels like if I dare to admit it to anyone, if I dare feel free to be happy about this baby, that I’ll jinx myself and have another miscarriage. I desperately want to be happy. But it’s especially hard right now, while I’m feeling physically better, because in my crosswired little brain “feeling good while pregnant” is equated to “imminent bad news”.
But it also feels like admitting to an inadequacy, that it took me three tries under 30 to have a baby. This is worse, because I know it’s not true, but knowing doesn’t make me feel any different about it. I’m embarrassed to tell people, because I feel inadequate, so they must naturally think me to be inadequate as well.
And knowing that I’m being absurd doesn’t help one bit.