*FOOM*

I’m sorry I haven’t put anything new up lately.  I’ve been is such a terribly bad mood that I didn’t want to unnecessarily inflict it on anyone, and so I was silent.  I’m feeling a little better now, and while the president is still unwelcome in my home (and will remain so until such time as he shows up with a heartfelt* apology for violating the nation’s religious freedoms), I’m no longer incandescently** angry.

*  I’m talking on his knees outside the window singing accompanied by a boombox level of heartfelt apology here.  America The Beautiful, please.  Sing verse two twice, for emphasis.

**  Himself says my Death Stare has two levels:  greasy smear and scorched earth.  We’ve been hovering at the fringes of a new, unnamed and unexplored level since January 20th.  I’ve had to resort to cleaning house just to burn off excess spleen.

Anyhow.  Back to my regularly unscheduled nerdiness.

Just Too Tired

I keep getting halfway through writing posts, reading them, and finding them to be rubbish.  I’m just too tired.  My New Year’s resolution was to post every day for a year, but I’m afraid I’m going to delay the start date by another day…
 
I’m just too tired to think straight.  Only this morning my son bested me in a Looney Tunes style “No I can’t”/”Yes you can” exchange.  I think that’s a new all time low, but it was only 5am at the time.

Explicatus Hiatum

So I haven’t been here in a while. First, I was too busy, and then my heart just wasn’t in it. My heart isn’t in it now, but explanations are in order

See, I was pregnant. I got all the fun of being constantly, violently ill, not to mention blindingly exhausted for weeks on end. And then the first trimester was pretty much over. Pregnancy tests were still positive. I started feeling better. We started telling family and friends. We told GeekBaby.

And then I miscarried.

This makes five times now. It’s my own, private little martyrdom. I get to lie there writhing, in pain and bleeding, while an interior voice demands to know how I can believe in a God that would let this happen. Demands that I recant. Obscenely, it’s the face and voice of my father. And I hurt so much I can’t think straight, much less pose a convincing answer.. All I have left, expressed extremely crudely, is the knowledge that reality is objective, and therefore my pain is irrelevant to that question, so damn it, go away. And it goes when commanded, but leaves behind an awareness of my loneliness and loss that never goes.

I’ve never denied God, even in these worst moments. But I also don’t understand why. And I don’t know what becomes of my babies, and that’s the worst part of all.

It’s so hard to be really open to life, after losing so many. And it’s even harder dealing with the people who think you aren’t. And most of them are kind, charitable souls, who gently encourage and don’t harangue. But I’m still probably going to slap the next one silly.

All Fixed Now

Things have been wonky around here. This is because I poked at something in the backend of the blog, and the blog went “HEY!” and promptly fell apart. Some old posts vanished and I had to (painfully) recover them. If you’ve seen strange RSS activity, that’s what happened. At least I didn’t lose anything permanently. I think.

I’ve also been clearing out my drafts folder. Would you believe I had over 100 drafts just floating around? Most, by now, were moot, so I disposed of them.

And since I’ve spent the last ten days or so fixing and cleaning, why not make it better, faster, stronger? Or, barring that, at least a new theme?

One of my casualties seems to have been my header. I’ll have to come up with a new one. Also a tagline. And apparently I need to do actual backups more frequently. At least before I poke anything.

Anyhow, disaster is over. Carry on.